Oh, darling, you know I live for tearing down egotistical thunder-throwing man-children—and Zeus? The audacity that man had. Let’s pour the tea, shall we?
Zeus: The Ultimate Deadbeat Dad, Cheater, and Walking Red Flag
Oh, you thought Zeus was some noble, wise king of the gods?
Adorable. Let’s rip that toga right off, shall we?
See, Zeus wasn’t just a god.
He was the original problem.
1. The King of “It’s Not My Fault” Energy
Zeus’ entire brand was doing whatever he wanted and blaming everyone else. Did he cheat on Hera every five minutes? Absolutely. But did he ever take responsibility? Never. Every time she caught him (which was often), he was like:
"Oh no, it wasn’t me, I was just a swan… or a bull… or a literal rainstorm, baby, you gotta believe me!"
Sir, please. Even the other gods were tired of his excuses.
2. The OG Deadbeat Dad
Zeus had so many children, and almost none of them got a proper childhood. He just left them scattered across Greece like party favors.
Perseus? Raised by mortals. Hercules? Literally had to fight for his life from birth. Athena? Popped out of his head fully grown because he couldn’t be bothered with an actual pregnancy. Sir. That is not how fatherhood works.
Oh, and let’s not forget his favorite hobby—throwing his own kids off Olympus when they annoyed him. (He yeeted Hephaestus off a mountain!) Who needs enemies when your own father is out here committing attempted godslaughter?
3. "Monogamy? I Don’t Know Her."
Let’s talk about his biggest crime—his marriage. Hera, the literal queen of the gods, got stuck with the biggest walking red flag in mythology. And Zeus? He cheated on her so often that she spent most of her time hunting down his side chicks and cursing them instead of divorcing his lightning-slinging ass.
And oh, the disguises.
He turned into a swan, a bull, a shower of golden light (ew), even a literal cloud just to get what he wanted.
Imagine being a goddess and finding out your husband cheated on you… as a RAINSTORM.
Divorce wasn’t an option, but homicide? A solid plan.
4. Bro Had ONE Job—And He Still Sucked At It.
King of the Gods? More like King of Bad Decisions.
Every major Greek tragedy? Started with Zeus making a dumb choice.
- The Trojan War? His fault. (He literally arranged the whole “golden apple” fiasco that led to war.)
- Pandora’s Box? Yep. Him again. (Maybe don’t give humans a cursed box and tell them NOT to open it, genius?)
- Medusa’s Curse? He let Poseidon get away with the actual crime, and then Athena had to clean up the mess.
- Prometheus getting eternally liver-shanked? All because Zeus got mad over humans having fire. (Calm down, Jeff Bezos of Olympus.)
➡ Zeus, You Absolute Disaster
If Olympus had HR, Zeus would have been fired centuries ago. The man was a walking god complex, a hormonal hurricane, and the literal reason 90% of Greek myths are just trauma dumps.
So, next time someone calls him “The King of the Gods,” let’s all remember—the bar was underground.
