☕️ Alice’s Mad Tea Party Presents:
Lucrezia Borgia: The Queen of Strategic Marriages
"Married off three times—and allegedly poisoned at least one husband."
Alice twirls a golden spoon in her tea, her grin sharp as a dagger.
“Oh, my darlings, today’s tale is positively dripping in scandal, ambition, and poison.
Let’s talk about Lucrezia Borgia—the woman who turned marriage into a political blood sport.”
She leans forward, eyes gleaming.
“Was she a ruthless mastermind?
Was she a tragic pawn in her family’s game?
Or… was she just really, really good at playing the long game?
Let’s spill the Renaissance tea.”
Born Into The Mafia of the Vatican
Lucrezia was born in 1480, and my loves, her family was not normal.
She was a Borgia, meaning:
- Her father, Pope Alexander VI, was one of the most corrupt popes in history. (Yes, she was a pope’s daughter—we’ll get into that.)
- Her brother, Cesare Borgia, was a serial murderer in a bishop’s robe.
- Her whole family treated Italy like their personal chessboard.
Alice sips her tea.
“So, naturally, Lucrezia’s entire existence was about who she married and how that benefited the Borgias.
And, my dears, they did not play fair.”
Marriage #1: The Disposable Husband
At 13 years old, she was married off to Giovanni Sforza, a nobleman from a powerful Italian family.
At first, it seemed fine, well that is if you call that fine because no 13 year old girl should be getting married to anyone!
But then? Daddy Pope and Brother Cesare changed their minds.
They didn’t need Giovanni anymore.
Alice smirks.
“So, instead of a normal breakup, they accused Giovanni of being ‘physically defective’ (translation: couldn’t get it up) and annulled the marriage.
The poor man ran for his life before they could ‘take care of him’ permanently.”
Alice lifts a delicate hand.
“Oh, but don’t worry, dears—this was just the warm-up.”
Marriage #2: A Prince, A Murder, and a Convenient Poisoning
Next, Lucrezia was married to Alfonso of Aragon—because why stop at annoying one powerful family when you can piss off several?
This one, surprisingly, was a love match.
She actually liked Alfonso. They had a son together. Things were looking good.
Until.
Alice sets down her teacup with a sharp clink.
“Cesare Borgia decided Alfonso was in his way.
And when Cesare decided you were in his way?
You didn’t last long.”
First, Alfonso was ambushed and stabbed.
He barely survived.
So, what did the Borgias do?
“Oh, my darlings,” Alice sighs, shaking her head.
They had him strangled in his hospital bed.
And where was Lucrezia?
- Some say she tried to save him.
- Some say she looked the other way.
- Some say she poured the poison herself.
Alice smirks.
“No one knows for sure. But the timing was suspicious.”
Marriage #3: The One That Stuck
By now, Lucrezia had a reputation.
She was whispered about in dark halls:
- A temptress.
- A poisoner.
- The sister-wife of Cesare Borgia (yes, the rumors got wild).
But the Borgias still needed her.
So, she was shipped off to Alfonso d’Este, Duke of Ferrara.
This time, things were different.
- She grew into her own power.
- She became a respected Duchess.
- She thrived in art, culture, and—allegedly—secret poison labs.
Alice raises a finger.
“Oh yes, dears, there are whispers that she ran her own little apothecary of doom.
Did enemies of the Borgias mysteriously die after drinking from her cup?
Did she perfect the art of undetectable poisons?
Did she keep her enemies close and her antidotes closer?
Oh, history won’t confirm it—but the body count speaks for itself.”
Lucrezia’s Legacy: Villain or Survivor?
Alice leans back, twirling a strand of hair.
“Now, some say Lucrezia was a victim of her family’s schemes.
Others say she became just as cunning as them.
Either way, my darlings…
- She outlived the Borgia family’s downfall.
- She secured her place as a beloved duchess.
- And she went down in history as one of the most dangerous women of the Renaissance.”
Alice raises her teacup in a toast.
“So here’s to Lucrezia Borgia—Renaissance wife, duchess, and potential poison queen.
May your tea always be sweet, your husbands always be temporary, and your enemies never see it coming.
