Oh, honey, now this is where Poe decided to drop the pretense and go full mad tea party—and we are so here for it. This one’s got delusions, disguises, and a dinner party so deranged it makes Wonderland look like a weekend yoga retreat.
Time to lace up your corset of curiosity and get ready, because…
☕️ Alice’s Mad Tea Party Presents: Storytime
🫖 Alice Spills the Tea on: The System of Dr. Tarr and Prof. Fether
Gather ‘round, my loves, and let me take you on a little field trip—to an insane asylum. No, not for me (rude), but for today’s tale, where logic checks out and madness takes over the guest list.
Our narrator—who has way too much free time and not nearly enough survival instincts—decides to visit a mental institution in the French countryside. Why? Research, he claims. Curiosity, he says. Nosiness, I say.
He’s greeted by the "director," who seems charming enough, in that slightly-too-smiley, “I definitely have bodies in the wine cellar” kind of way. The director begins explaining that they’ve moved away from harsh treatments and now follow a new philosophy called the “soothing system.” Basically, they let the patients do whatever they want. No restraints, no rules, just vibes. (What could possibly go wrong?)
Then comes the dinner party. Oh, sweet stars above, the dinner party.
Our narrator is seated among a cast of characters so unhinged, they might as well be escapees from Alice’s own tea table. There’s a lady who thinks she’s a teacup. A man convinced he’s a donkey. Someone tries to sing opera with a shoe on their head. And everyone at the table is looking at the narrator like he’s the weird one.
Things escalate quickly, darling.
The guests start ranting about the old management system—one created by Dr. Tarr and Professor Fether. According to them, those two were too strict, so the patients revolted. They “tarred and feathered” the old staff—literally—and took over the asylum.
Sound familiar?
That’s because—plot twist!—the narrator realizes, far too late, that the people hosting him aren’t the staff… they're the patients. The inmates have actually taken over the asylum, and the real doctors are probably tied up in the pantry somewhere.
Eventually, the real order is restored (off-page, of course), but the damage is done. Our poor narrator’s had a full-course meal of madness, served with a side of "get out while you still can."
So, what’s the lesson here, my darling tea-lovers?
Trust your gut. If the dinner party feels cursed, the chicken clucks at you, and someone introduces themselves as Napoleon’s personal masseuse? Run.
The System of Dr. Tarr and Prof. Fether is Poe’s way of reminding us that sometimes, the line between sanity and insanity is just a matter of who’s holding the keys… and who’s serving dessert.
Keep your wits about you,
- Alice
Now before you go let’s take a break from the mayhem with a little listicle for the modern ghoul navigating today's social scene. Because when you’ve been to one too many cursed soirées, you learn a thing or two…
Top 5 Poe-Inspired Red Flags to Watch for at Dinner Parties
Brought to you by Alice, your unhinged hostess with the most stress.
1. The Host Can’t Stop Smiling... and Won’t Blink
If your dinner host is grinning like they just buried their ex in the floorboards and hasn't blinked since 1842?
Red flag, sugar.
That’s not charisma—it’s unmedicated villain energy. Back away slowly.
2. Someone at the Table Believes They’re a Teacup
Look, we love eccentricity. We are eccentricity. But when someone starts rattling on about being bone china and insists on being filled with hot milk?
Time to “accidentally” forget your coat and moonwalk out the door.
3. The Roast is Suspiciously... Lumpy
Listen. If the entrée looks like it could fight back or starts beating like a heart beneath the gravy boat—DO. NOT. EAT. IT.
It’s either cursed, possessed, or someone’s uncle. Possibly all three.
4. The Guest of Honor is a Corpse in Denial
If the person next to you smells like formaldehyde and keeps insisting they’re “just resting,” please note:
You are now in a Poe story. Blink twice for help.
5. Someone Brings Up Dr. Tarr and Professor Fether... Casually
If that phrase even slips into conversation, darling, know this:
You’re in the middle of a hostile patient takeover, and you’re the hors d'oeuvres. Smile, nod, and then fake food poisoning immediately.
Bonus Tip: If a black cat stares at you through the window the entire time... just assume you’re cursed and call it a night. I know, I know all you little witchesout there will think it's your familiar! Hmmm... maybe - MAYBE NOT!
Stay spooky, stay sassy, and always check the guest list,
– Alice
Ps. I created a separate page for this section in case you want to print it and save it as a daily reminder 😂
A Note to the Critics Who Think Alice's Retellings Are Too "Modern"
Dear Esteemed Critics,
Oh, darling, bless your hearts for your passionate thoughts on my little storytelling escapades. I can practically hear the clink of your monocles falling into your tea cups as you clutch your fainting couches in horror. I know, I know—it’s a lot of modern sass for a tale as old as time. But let’s be honest for a second, shall we?
Yes, I’ve taken a few liberties. Yes, I’ve used a touch more whimsy than the original manuscripts might suggest. But, darlings, can I be real with you? Here’s the truth:
The classics are fantastic. Poe’s work? Absolute perfection. But let’s not kid ourselves—he was not writing for 21st-century readers who’d rather scroll through TikTok than decipher a paragraph that’s half-a-page long. The words might be beautiful, but—let’s face it—sometimes they’re more obscure than poetic. And you know I love a good challenge, but I’m also here to entertain.
So, yes, I made it pop, sizzle, and shimmy into the here and now. No one has time for long-winded rants in an age where we’re literally running from zombies in the streets (figuratively, of course... well, most of the time). I kept the heart of the original story—that’s still there, darling—but if you're still wondering, “What would Poe say?” He'd probably be too busy sipping absinthe and inventing new ways to make people feel deeply uncomfortable to even notice. So, let’s all relax.
If you can’t handle a little modern flair mixed with some deliciously dark humor and a sprinkle of sass, then perhaps this new version isn't for you. But do let me know if you need me to send over a copy of the original with a nice cup of tea for your very serious reading pleasure.
In the meantime, I’ll keep doing what I do best: turning these delightful, twisted classics into something unforgettably entertaining—whether it’s a little on the dramatic side or not. After all, when was the last time you saw a dinner party where everyone didn’t have a slightly weird, off-the-wall vibe? Hmm?
With all my most respectful sass,
- Alice
P.S. If the ghost of Edgar Allan Poe haunts you for this... well, at least it’ll be fun.
