☕️ Alice’s Mad Tea Party Presents:
Blackbeard: Pirate Extraordinaire
"Lit fuses in his beard for the aesthetic."
Alice leans back in her chair, twirling a spoon in her tea with a wicked grin.
“Oh, my dears, let’s talk about style.
Anyone can be a pirate.
But not everyone can look iconic while doing it.
And no one—no one—understood the importance of a dramatic entrance quite like Blackbeard.”
She snaps her fingers, and a puff of eerie smoke rises from her cup.
“This man literally set his own face on fire just to freak people out.
Tell me, darlings—what have you done today to make the world more interesting?”
Edward Teach: The Drama King of the Seas
Blackbeard wasn’t just a pirate.
- He was the pirate.
- The reason pirates in movies look the way they do.
- The man who terrorized the high seas so hard that people still shiver at his name.
Alice raises an eyebrow.
“Now, let’s be clear—his real name was Edward Teach.
Which, let’s be honest, does not have the same terrifying ring to it.
Imagine if people screamed, ‘OH NO, IT’S EDWARD!’
…No.
So, like any good showman, he rebranded.
And thus, my dears, Blackbeard was born.”
The Look: A Walking Nightmare
Alice smirks, holding up a strand of her own hair as if considering a new style.
“This man knew that fear is 50% reputation, 50% theatrics.
So, he went all in on the aesthetic.
- Long, thick black beard—split into braids like a villainous curtain of doom.
- Weapons strapped across his chest—as in, multiple pistols and cutlasses, because why have one when you can have six?
- And most importantly… the smoke.
Oh yes, darlings. The smoke.
Before battle, he would braid slow-burning fuses into his beard and light them on fire.
So imagine:
You’re a poor merchant sailor, minding your own business.
And suddenly, a giant, hulking pirate with actual flames curling around his face storms your ship, armed to the teeth, eyes wild with battle rage.
Alice leans forward.
“Are you surrendering?
Yes. Yes, you are.”
The Terror of the Caribbean
But my darlings, Blackbeard wasn’t just scary.
He was brilliant.
- He blockaded entire ports just to prove a point.
- He took over ships without firing a single shot because people were too scared to fight him.
- He was so feared that people just handed over their loot rather than risk him coming aboard.
Alice winks.
“That’s called branding, sweethearts.”
The Ultimate Power Move: Retiring from Piracy… Sort Of
At the height of his reign, Blackbeard just decided to retire.
- He accepted a royal pardon and settled down in North Carolina.
- He threw wild parties with governors and high society.
- He may or may not have still been doing pirate things on the side.
Alice chuckles.
“You know, casual pensioner piracy.”
But, darlings, the Outerworld doesn’t let legends rest.
The British government wanted him gone.
The End: A Death Worthy of a Legend
Alice sighs dramatically.
“In 1718, they sent a navy lieutenant named Robert Maynard to take him down.
Now, most men, when surrounded by British warships, might think,
‘Ah. Perhaps I should surrender.’
Blackbeard?
No, my darlings, he charged straight into battle.
The man took five bullets and twenty sword wounds before finally falling.
But do you know what he did before he died?”
Alice sips her tea slowly, drawing out the tension.
“He broke Maynard’s sword in half with his bare hands.
While bleeding out.
On the deck of his ship.
Surrounded by British soldiers.”
She sets her cup down.
“A dramatic exit, exactly as he would have wanted.”
The Aftermath: The Legend Lives On
After they killed him, the British cut off his head and hung it from their ship.
But my dears, you cannot kill a legend.
- To this day, people still claim to see his ghostly ship in the Outer Banks.
- His treasure has never been found.
- And every single pirate movie villain?
They all want to be him.
Alice raises her teacup in a toast.
“So here’s to Blackbeard.
The most extra pirate in history.
May his spirit forever haunt the seas…
And may we all commit to our aesthetic half as hard as he did.”
